B O D Y +

For this week's blog I was struggling to come up with a topic only to run into a situation this week that really got me thinking.

Body Positivity.

I know, I know. It's a heavy topic but I promise I will try my best to make it funny and light!

All my life I was a little shy about my body but never gave too much thought about mine compared to others. I was a kid that was running around, falling off my bike, eating sand, pretending that the floor was lava and dancing in grocery stores until my Mum yelled at me.

In high school I slowly started feeling a little more self-conscious but I continued to dance in grocery stores and that seemed to keep the McDoubles off of my mid-section for a while.

When I started university, freshman 15 wasn't too noticeable but I'm sure it probably hit and I had stopped taking dance classes, so that definitely didn't help. I also started grocery shopping by myself which meant that I had to push the trolley myself which ended my grocery store solos.

As I continued my university experience, I started to feel more and more self-conscious and started to compare myself to others around me.

This one time I really wanted peanut butter cookies so I made a full batch but I was living alone, had a sweet tooth and before I knew it; a bunch of them were gobbled down. I had a food baby and a nauseous feeling that washed over me. Regret sank in and I headed to the bathroom, lifted up the toilet seat and stared into the cold water that filled the toilet bowl, wondering if I was actually capable of making myself throw up the cookies that lined my stomach. I tried it. I really did and after trying a few times, I gave up and realized that I couldn't do it to myself, nor did I want to, and that the cookies would have to sit tight and the leftovers needed to disappear. The next day I shared them with people I worked with and kept my little almost-puking secret to myself, embarrassed of what I actually tried to do the night before.

I'm sharing this for the first time to let you know that you aren't alone and that feelings like this impact people every day.

So now we are at where my story is today.

Hello. My life is in shambles and I have body issues.

*takes a seat*

Okay, readers...if there are even readers out there....I am letting you see into my brain and some of the thoughts that I haven't really been brave enough to share out loud. Maybe after this I will be heading to dance in a grocery store just to shake this feeling.

Each morning I wake up hoping to feel good about myself, lifting my shirt to look at my body in the mirror. There are some mornings that I like what I see and most where I dislike the reflection staring back at me with the disappointed face. Flipping my shirt back down, I walk down the hall to start the hot shower in order to wash off the shame and embarrassment that I have and wonder if others feel the way that I do most mornings. Shrugging it off, I belt a tune or two just for kicks and pretend that I am on The Voice and once I finish my amazing solo, I try to imagine myself choose who's team I would be on (obviously they would ALL turn their chairs around). Adam. I pick Adam (he's hot).

This year, because I woke up staring at a reflection that shows everything that I don't want to be, I decided to get my McDoubled-out booty into the gym and try to make me fall in love with myself again like how I was when I was little and only worried about accidentally stepping on the lava that filled the schoolyard. That or lego pieces.

After months of sweating, getting stared at for squatting 105lbs by muscly people that usually lined the edge of the club at school, lifting weights, tripping over myself on a treadmill and barely making it down the stairs after my Gym Master made it a leg day...drum roll please...I lost a pound. One measly little pound. That's it. That's all I managed and I was dedicated for 8 months. I'll be honest...I still wake up lifting my shirt wondering why on earth I can't like what I see. Surely other people feel the same way, right?

While I constantly scroll Pinterest looking for ways to get rid of my little 'pooch' and how to tone my arms and back, I also scroll across weight-loss vs. gaining strength articles. This sparked my interest recently and I started to research a little more thoroughly this week only to learn that even though I only lost a pound, I most likely gained strength and muscle mass which still weighs a significant amount but it doesn't exactly mean its a negative thing. Ever since, I've slowly started to see my body as strong but it will take time to get to a place where I'm 100% happy with it.

I'd be a hypocrite if I told you that it's silly to have these thoughts because the reality is, everyone has them whether they are male, female or identify as any other sexual orientation. Everyone dislikes some sort of feature on or of their body which is sad but I am equally as guilty for doing this.

My best friend and I have had extensive conversations and life chats about this particular topic and every time she reassures me that I am all of these other amazing things. It is important to not get caught up worrying about image and that I need to learn to love myself. Flaws and all. McDoubles and all. One measly pound less and all. Learn to love certain things about myself and embrace the flaws with open arms and a gap-toothed smile. She's wise, this best friend of mine. I think I'll keep her.

So I'm pledging that from this day forward, each morning when I wake up and lift up my shirt in the mirror, I will smile to myself and a compliment the person staring back at me. "Excellent bed head!", "booty don't quit!", "lookin' fresh this morning, gal!" Basically whatever comes to mind. Deep down I know that I have a good heart, accomplished so much in my short 22 years, demonstrated my passions each and every day and that I am ambitious beyond belief but it is learning to take these things and apply these areas of confidence to my exterior that I will be working on from here on out.

So there you go. I've shared my story, been 100% honest with strangers and people that I know who may actually read this blog and I've pledged to make a positive change to my mental, emotional and physical health (in public too so now I HAVE to do it!).

Wish me luck friends.

Okay, who's up next?

-E