First Dates and Sad Endings

It's been a while. So hi and thank you for having me back..or welcome back because you found your way here I guess.

I've been a little busy lately with work, volunteer stuff, sleeping and if the title didn't give it away, first dates. Yep. That is my life right now and I am just as shocked as you all are.

So a few weeks back I was really reluctant to go to this stag and doe that someone I have known for a while was hosting. It was a during the day and an evening thing and I really wasn't sure about the day part because people I had known from high school that I never fit in with were all going to be there, but I forced myself go anyway. When I showed up, I was pleasantly surprised because everyone that was there was actually really friendly and not at all what I would have thought. One person in particular actually talked to me a bit more than others and I thought they were just being nice but my friend thought otherwise.

I'll be honest, I was sort of intrigued by this person and was interested in whether they would be going to the evening portion of the event too but they couldn't and part of me was a little upset. I went anyway only to have a good time and then thought nothing of it until a few days later. I was on Bumble, since we hadn't parted ways just yet, and there he was. I told the friend that I was with days before and she encouraged me to swipe, so I did. What do ya know!? It was a match from the start, turns out he had already found me on Bumble. After a few minutes I sat there staring at the new match and wondered what to do with it or if I should do anything with it at all. I thought about our conversations from a few days before and I really enjoyed talking to him. I thought about how I felt when I was a little bummed when he wouldn't be at the second part of the stag. Something drew me in and told me to be bold.

After days of talking about anything and everything, I was asked to hangout and so I did. I was terrified at first and I almost backed out but once I got there, everything went really well. Then I went out to the movies a few days after that, then bowling, then canoeing. 4 dates later and I am here writing this blog feeling incredible and wondering what has happened to my simple life where I watched Chopped while eating a bowl of corn.

While I have no idea where things are going just yet or even if they are going anywhere, I am thankful that I took the plunge and made a move for once in my life.

Being bold is something I would never have done before because I never thought it would benefit me in any way, until now. What I am trying to say is, take the plunge. Dive in head first and allow yourself to be nervous, excited, brave and all other kinds of emotions. Enjoy the rush of excitement when the person you are interested in messages you back and let yourself feel confident in every way possible.

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July 17th

As I took a few days in between writing the blog above, some things happened.

My 15 minutes of a fairy tale has come to a close and it is hard to put into words how silly I feel about it all.

Basically, what happened was that he felt he wasn't ready for anything serious and us both going to school was still a factor for him. While I completely understand, I can't help but feel like a complete idiot for being so happy with my stupid little slice of heaven that I only had a hold of for a short time.

I don't regret taking the plunge for once in my life, and even though I am laying here feeling foolish beyond belief, I think that forcing myself to be bold is something I need to be doing more often. Being bold doesn't guarantee success or a failure by any means but I think that by pushing yourself to be bold in the first place creates a personal success. I know that I have to help myself realize this on a daily basis and that I need to be more secure in myself to take risks and not focus on failing rather than succeeding like I know I can. Be bold, be brave, be ambitious because these things create better stories, happiness and learning experiences.

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September 14th

While the summer continued and I asked J to take a chance and see where things would go, he agreed. At first I thought we were hanging out just as friends and so when he dropped me off after our first "hangout" after my fairy tale came crashing down, I got out of his car and smiled. I said something along the lines of "see you soon, have fun at work tomorrow!", shut the car door and I left. I really didn't think anything of it because he had told me how he felt about distance, and I told him how I felt and I really didn't see it changing in any way. Now, the second time I saw him we went axe throwing (I killed it obviously) and we went for coffee after. He drove as per usual, dropped me off outside my house and I thought to myself "If I only see him as a friend now, that's okay with me because I want to still see him and spend time with him. If this is the only way, then so be it." Well, let me tell you friends, I opened that damn car door and he looked at me and said "I don't want you to run off this time." Me being me, had zero clue what he meant by that so I gave the kind of look a dog gives when you say 'walk' and they cock their head to the side. You know what I mean? Well read closely because the next thing he did was smile slightly, lean towards me, put his hand on my leg as I sat there and.........he............kissed me. As I floated back to my room to lay in my bed, I was both confused and on cloud 9.

From there I continued to see him 2-3 times a week, texted novels back and forth, met his family and he met mine. Things were looking up and I tried to push out of my mind how worried I was about September quickly approaching. J and I spent a lot of time together and I'm not going to lie, it was one of the best summers I have ever had. Every time that I saw him I felt comfortable, happy and really good about life in general. I just felt at home.

The last week before we went back to school we saw each other three times. Once to watch a movie and things seems like there was a conversation lingering in the air that wasn't being talked about but I enjoyed seeing him. The day after that we made our way to Niagara Falls and spent the entire day together. I was floating, it was such a great day. The day after that, I found myself in tears, overwhelmed by how I was going to talk to him about our situation. I had even put together a road trip box filled with snacks, maps, a mixed CD and other things to show him how much I wanted him to come and visit me. On the very last day, J came over and we watched another movie but this time when it ended he pulled that lingering conversation out of the air from a few days before and told me he felt the way that he did earlier in the summer but that he really liked me. We sat there talking quietly and he asked me how I felt to which I struggled through my words and questioning whether or not I should give him the box I had put together. I ended up giving it to J and he absolutely loved it. So much so that he agreed to try the distance. I could barely contain my excitement and left for school that night with my heart exploding.

The week following we continued our novel texts and even started a snap streak. He was the background on my phone and I could finally say the phrase "my boyfriend" in some sort of conversation knowing full well I sounded annoying and giddy. Towards the end of the week he didn't reply as quickly as he usually did, and I had asked if I could see him the following weekend. That's when my world came crashing down. He told me that the more he thought about it, the more he thought that distance seemed like a lot of work and that he didn't want to do the distance because it has never worked for him in the past.

Okay, don't get me wrong, I completely understand where he was coming from but to me; a week isn't long enough to give up. He didn't even try. I told him I understood and that I wanted to see him during holidays and then proceeded to ask him how his first day of classes went. He told me about his classes but didn't touch on the holiday hangouts but I tried to look beyond that, just happy we were texting like normal. Since then, he has taken much longer to reply and has given shorter and shorter messages while I walk from class to work to home feeling numb (maybe he doesn't know ghosts are for Halloween).

I think it is sad to think that I have become so consumed by something I never really had but I still sit here, in this boring English class, thinking about the time we spent together, conversations that we had and the good feeling I still get from him. I still think that we have a shot when we are both home at the end of the year but I really have no way of telling how that will go. I'm praying that I have the opportunity to see him during Thanksgiving which is less than a month away but I can't be too hopeful just in case. If not, I need to just be thankful for the experience I gained, the feelings that I have and carry on as I usually do. My friends have been supportive in telling me that I need to let it go and wait and see what happens but that is easier said than done, simply because of how amazing I feel when I think of him. I don't want to be Bella from Twilight and rely on someone but it definitely is much harder to move on when you don't know why they won't talk to you or being stuck seeing all of your friends surrounding you in happy, committed relationships and you're stuck just as you were before, slowly cementing the bricks back together to mend the wall that J knocked down so quickly and forcefully. I have never truly felt such heartbreak before and it is something that I knew was a possibility. I'm working on it but I'm told that I will move beyond this shortly.

Friends. My Life is in Shambles once again. Stick by me because I'm on the loose and bound to run into another stupid situation.

-E