Coffee Please.

Figured I would give everyone an update on the whole J situation since it has been a few months (you're welcome, I know you've all been DYING to know..I'm kidding).

We've been chatty on an off, mostly off as I scanned my phone every few minutes or so to see if he replied to my snaps or at least read them. It's a struggle to be in like with someone that doesn't give you anything back, that's for sure. The majority of the last four months meant that I was laying in my bed crying. My heart was aching over something I never officially had. I was missing the person and really wanted their presence. I missed the way that their nose crinkled when they were embarrassed, the warmth that they had when they were close both as a person and when we were tangled together, their arms wrapped around me when we would watch movies, their smell, their smile and intelligence and how I felt when I was with them. I missed everything about him and everything hurt knowing that he wasn't actually there for me to share my day with. The pang of hollow in my chest was something out of Twilight and I felt like I was sitting in that damn chair Bella sits in after Edward leaves as the camera circles around me, the seasons changed and Possibility by Lykke Li played as the background music to my life (seriously look that song up because it is pure gold). I forced myself to get out of bed and hit the gym focusing my energy on working out, reading for those God awful English classes I still questioned why I took them and put on a brave face while inside, I was truly still missing my friend. How pathetic it all seems but I honestly missed having that one person I talked to everyday and who just got me. That person who I had so much in common with and was a comfort to me. He broke the girl who liked him even more than she loved herself. Of course it didn't help when around Thanksgiving I saw him walk passed my house with his brother and when I asked if we could grab coffee, he said he was too busy. Weeks would go by where I would hear from him and others where I didn't know if he was alive or dead or really just ignoring me (truly a stand up guy eh?).

The beginning of November was his birthday and I sent him a quick message to wish him and his brother well and from there we talked every single day for over a month. I was feeling really good and getting prepared to see him during the holiday when we were both home. I was predicting when he would be finished placement so that I could tell work when I was available for shifts just so I could be somewhat available in case he showed up on my doorstep as a Christmas miracle telling me he missed me. He didn't do anything of the sort. As things seemed to be looking up he fell off the face of the Earth for 15 days where he didn't reply to my text and he didn't open any of my snaps. After a few days I slowly began to think about what the hell I was doing with my life and decided that I should probably start to move on somehow but if he replied, I would ask him one more time to hangout and if he had an excuse, only then would I call it quits. [I'd like to call that growth.] As day 16 of silence approached I finished my shift at the slowest moving fast food chain and saw his name on my phone. He had finally answered my snap. While the explanation was extremely weak, I had heard from him so we continued some small talk and I texted him wishing him a Merry Christmas a few days after that. We continued texting and then two days ago I was in the drive thru with my parents at Tim Hortons. Sitting in the backseat of the car like a child, I was staring at someone inside the store that looked familiar and I realized who it was just as my Mum said "I think you need to go inside, E." It was J's friend and J was sitting across the table from him looking comfortable and happy and just as amazing as he did before. My parents forced me to go back inside to get some donuts we really didn't need and I exchanged some awkward glances with J's friend and avoided looking over at J since his back was to me. I left in a nervous, shaking panic and shuffled out the door and back to my car only to see J's friend watching me drive away from the window. A few hours later after a quick little meltdown in the car J texted me and mentioned that his friend saw me in Tims while he was there and better yet, he said he was free to do something later that week.

Fast forward to today where I saw J for the first time in four months. Naturally I made sure I looked more like a person than usual and got into his car like I did months before, this time nervous as hell. While my stomach was tangled into a knot and I couldn't breathe, I opened that car door, smiled and said "hey" as I normally would have and he smiled and said "hey, so where are we going?" Just with that one question everything felt like it did the summer before and we fell back into the natural pattern of talking, laughing and teasing each other. We spent four hours catching up and it didn't seem like the pain I'd felt those months before ever took place. We talked about our placements, school, how we were ready to be finished university, our holiday break, plans after we graduate and anything else we could fit in during those hours. It was natural. The only thing that was awkward was not knowing how to say goodbye. Was it going to be like it was before? No, it wasn't. He didn't kiss me goodbye like he always did and I was disappointed but I knew that it probably wasn't going to happen anyway [but a girl can always hope]. There was an awkward air about the area where we both knew that I was waiting to see if he would slide over to my side of the car, place his hand on my leg and move in for the movie like moment but again, we hadn't seen each other in months and I really have no idea how he feels about me or even if he knows how he feels about me. It was different and though I was disappointed, I knew it could all be worse. He could have decided to cut me off completely, he could have decided to not see me, he could have met me and told me we couldn't be friends, so many other things could have happened. Instead we gave each other an awkward goodbye and wished each other a Happy New Year and I got out the car, started walking up my driveway and he drove away.

I feel comfort in knowing that we can still talk like we did and I really don't know if something will happen between J and I in the future. Even though I'm hoping we could get an actual chance at being together when we both graduate this spring and I think that if we are both home we could really be great together, I'm thankful in knowing that we can at least be friends.

I've never stayed friends with someone after I was seeing them. They've walked out on me, we've made awkward conversation if we ran into one another, etc but I've never wanted to be in their lives as much as I want to be with J. Call me crazy or whatever other names are going through your head but if you're feeling things even remotely close to the things that I am feeling, being friends with someone that makes you feel amazing is truly a blessing. Having a friend like that is so comforting and knowing that you had a great relationship in the past only makes the friendship stronger than before in my opinion. I'm thankful for running into him that stupid Saturday in June and then forcing myself to download Bumble and messaging him after we matched. I'm thankful for making myself try something new for once and meeting with him for coffee and a walk in the conservation area and I'm thankful for asking him to take a chance on me. I am beyond thankful for the bond that we formed and for him opening me up like he has even if I can still be closed off but mostly I am thankful for this weird opportunity to be his friend because I really wouldn't have gotten to know him these last six months because I know I never knew who he was in middle school or high school. It took these weird run-in situations for me to actually meet him and it took four months for me to feel content. I'm still uneasy at not knowing what the future holds [I'm a planner...it's in my nature], but tonight I feel relaxed, I feel happy for the first time in a long time.

G'night, kids.

-E